Dear Christians and heathens,
That man from Crimes Against Divinity has decided to mock us and reject our call for prayer. He will be cast into the depths of hell along with Carl Sagan, Alice Cooper, Charles Darwin, David Bowie, Richard Dawkins, Pamela Anderson, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and all the heathens, and he will burn for all eternity for his sins. You can see his rejection post here. Satan is going to enjoy tormenting this one. I’ll respond to his post here. His words in italics, mine in normal text:
“I have a confession to make. A few nights ago was our monthly atheist bonfire and BBQ baby-eating competition that we hold down near the waterfront. Well, long story short, some of us ended up having a little too much to drink during the interminable hours of hedonistic debauchery and repeated drunk-dialing of Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort from random pay phones (“Hey, I’ve got something that fits perfectly in your mouth!””
This is the type of drunken mischief that these heathens engage in! Now I do not believe that they ACTUALLY ate babies, but even to joke about such a matter is to condemn one’s self to hell. You’re headed for a far warmer bonfire and barbecue…where your pathetic excuse of a soul will be the main course! Satan will enjoy you. And why do you mock Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron? Both men are very intelligent, strong, great Christian thinkers! Let me ask you something. What have YOU ever done with your life besides write your silly little blog? These men have touched the hearts of millions. Martin and I have done missionary work in many places across the globe, helping the world’s poor heathens to see the light of Christ. What have you ever done? Far less than us true Christians!
We had exhausted our supply of “Dawkins / Harris 2016″ fliers pretty quickly after tagging just about every telephone pole and church door within a three mile radius, and were running out of ideas.
Wow. This guy is dumber than I thought! Does he not know that Dawkins cannot be elected president because Dawkins is British? We’re dealing with an Atheist idiot here! The atheist community claims that true Christians such as Martin and myself are illiterate, bumbling idiots, yet we understand how the US Government works far better than these sinners. Next time an atheist tries to tell you that the United States is not a Christian nation, think back to this instance of atheist ignorance. Do not trust them, ever.
You know how some people have those lit-up animatronic Santa Clauses, reindeer, and snowmen on their lawns during Christmas time? Well, not too far from the main road we caught a glimpse of this house with what appeared to be the entire passion of the Christ laid out – animatronic-style – on the front lawn. The Trial. The Sentencing. The Nailing of Jesus (complete with red LEDs for blood spatter; very nice touch). And, finally, the Empty Tomb complete with angels. I couldn’t have imagined anything so elaborate, and would have simply dismissed it as some alcohol-induced hallucination if my friends hadn’t been with me to witness it.
Actually, it’s not the passion of the Christ. You exaggerate. It’s the left-over remains of my nativity scene that I reworked slightly to make it work for an Easter display. It’s not that special, the lights might be over the top, but thank you for noticing, friend. I spent hours and hours working on that display actually.
Knowing that the only thing more irritating than an atheist to a Christian of this level of exuberance would be a believer in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, we went right to work. We hit up the local 7-11, bought some markers, paper, another 12-pack of PBR, and a couple of loaves of Italian bread that looked like they were surplus from a local Olive Garden. Managing the best I could with barely enough hand-eye coordination to tie my shoes, my buddies and I whipped up a few posters, pasted one on their door, and mounted a few others on their lawn. Each one came with its own loaf of bread; I’m still not too sure why. It sounded like a good idea at the time. Then again, so did PBR.
Hmm. Atheism, Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, PBR (which I believe is one of those atheist drink cocktails…something like “Pastafarian baby rectum”. Now they don’t actually put the baby rectum in there, its just what they call it since its apparently nasty). And we have an admission of guilt. These heartless heathens are sinners, they admit it, and yet they refuse to turn to Christ. Hell will not be a good place for them, even though they’re headed there by their own choice.
“Yesterday I found out they’re issuing a public “call for the clasping of hands and muttering to one’s self” for me, in hopes that I’ll give up my heathen ways and turn to the path of the Lord. Not bloody likely. I do appreciate the concern, though … and the attention that comes with it, of course. Please keep me appraised on what God thinks of my work, since he never seemed to have the time to answer me when I was batting for his team.”
I prayed hard for you. The Spirit guided me to an answer. You can either repent or burn in hell. Do you know what hell is like? Let me describe it for you. It is a great, eternal pit of fire where your “body,” in whatever form it may be, is cast for all eternity. You will be tortured every second of every day for all eternity. There will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth. It will smell terrible, far worse than a trash dump. It will be dark, and the only form of illumination will be the flames constantly feeding on your soul (in whatever form God casts souls into hell. We do not specifically know). You will be tortured by demons who hate you because you were born as a creature of God. This is why they hate you so much. Not because you are a sinner, but because you were once from God, and they hate all that is from God, since God condemned them to this terrible eternal fate. I don’t want this fate for you, my dear friend. Please, please, please repent. Please open your heart and mind to Jesus. Wouldn’t it be better to spend your life devoted to Jesus and die and find out there is nothing after death than it would be to spend life as an atheist, die, and find yourself in this horrible place forever? Accept Christ. What do you have to lose?
Well, I hope you’re happy, and I hope you’ll be even happier when God casts your soul into the eternal pit of fire. Repent or burn in hell.
The Bible tells us that there is only ONE way to Heaven, and that way is through Christ. Accept him or be damned. Checkmate, atheist.
I’m Jim Solouki, and I’m a true Christian.