The Hitch in Heaven

Greetings True Christians!

The Lord, our Savior, Jesus the Christ, just allowed me a vision of that sinner saved, Christopher Hitchens, who repented on his deathbed and is now in Heaven. Hitchens wanted me to tell each and every one of you that sinners CAN be accepted into the kingdom of Heaven…if they only repent and accept Jesus.

How did Hitchens communicate with me? THrough the Holy Spirit! We can all use the Spirit if we have faith. I have faith, and the Spirit allowed Christopher Hitchens, that holy former heathen, to communicate with me.

Hitchens also gave me special strategies for fighting against Satan and all the heathens this upcoming week, since Satan will be at his most powerful this week. Everybody thinks things are going to happen on Friday, and people are doing evil, evil things because of that. A belief in a quick end to the world and a lack of faith in God leads to a belief of NO accountability for one’s sins. As Christopher told me, the atheist believes he can sin in this world and not be punished in the next. A wise man knows that he will be judged in death for his actions in life.

Dear atheist readers, learn from Christopher Hitchens. Repent from your evil ways. Reject sin. Reject atheism. Embrace Jesus. Find your place in heaven. You only need to accept Christ and repent from your sinful ways, and you will be saved.

What else did Hitchens tell me? Here’s a list:

Darwin really DID repent on his deathbed.

Evolution is a lie.

Monica Lewinsky is probably going to hell.

God hates both fags and democrats.

God is preparing a special place in hell for all atheists.

The actual phrasing of Gandhi’s statement on Christians and Christ is “I love your Christians, but I hate your Christ. Your Christians are so much different than your Christ”. This was in response to the Christian practice of being tolerant to heathens such as Gandhi. Christ would have told Gandhi to repent and follow Him or be cast into the pit. A moderate Christian might tell Gandhi that even a heathen could be saved through “Good works”. This is totally wrong. We may only be saved by faith in Christ.

Richard Dawkins really IS a closet Christian. In fact, he admits that “I am a deeply religious man” in his book “A Devil’s Chaplain”.

God is proud of the work that Martin and I are doing on this blog.

God will enjoy watching those who mock Martin and I(we are, after all, His loyal servants) burn in hell. In fact, God is preparing a special place for Martin and I to watch them burn as well!

We broke the story first. Christopher Hitchens did, in fact, convert on his death bed. And now he has spoken to me through the Holy Spirit. I hope that his testimony may instill faith in all of your hearts.

I’m Jim Solouki, and I’m a true Christian.

5 thoughts on “The Hitch in Heaven

  1. Drew says:

    I believe Jesus said to love everyone, even your enemies. Not only that, but what’s with all the hate? You taking pleasure in watching other people suffer? I don’t think a loving God would ever enjoy watching anyone suffer, and if you guys do, that’s very troubling indeed. If that part’s a joke, it’s not very funny. If you’re serious, well, then.. one more reason as to why I’m on the outs with humanity.

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