So you want to be a sinner?

So you want to be a sinner and risk eternity in hell? So you want to masturbate? So you want to wank? So you want to jerk the wild turkey? So you want to smoke the dope, thong the bong,  puff the magic dragon, or snort that coke? So you want to shag your best friend’s wife? So you want to cut him with a knife? So you want to steal his best friend’s life? So you want to sin?

Dear friends, the wages of sin is death. And sinners….go to hell. You know how high the rent is in hell? The RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH! You pay with your soul! For eternity! For sin!   Do you want to sacrifice your immortal soul for a few quick looks at pixel pussy? Do you want to burn in the fires of hell while Satan shoves a pineapple up your butt and demons rip off your head and poop down your neck? Just for pixel pussy?!?! Do you want to go to hell? I tell you:

 

Turn off that sinful rock and roll music with its embrace of sex, drugs, and Satan. Turn off that pornography. Walk away from that donkey show. Don’t be a blumpkin eater. Turn your heart towards Jesus and your head away from your dirty magazines. Jesus is watching when you touch yourself, taking note of your sinful act of the flesh.  He knows when you’ve been naughty…and he knows when you’ve been having naughty thoughts. Don’t you think that he won’t barbecue your soul in hell for masturbating while Debbie Does Dallas on your tv screen. My friends, the road to hell is paved with sin.

So you don’t want to go to hell? Repent! Embrace Jesus as your savior. Get on your knees, pray to Him, and feel the glow  of His mercy across your face as you embrace His forgiveness. Jesus wants us to go to heaven, but the only way to get to heaven is through HIM.  Reject sin. Embrace Jesus. Reject masturbation. Embrace the love of Christ. Reject pornography. Rejoice in Christ, who is real.  Jesus loves you. Know Him. Let me remind you of the one path to Heaven:

He died for your sins. Accept His sacrifice, and you’ll be able to enter Paradise. I will be praying for you. You can pray with me with the following words if you would like Salvation:

l Savior, and ask y

Dear Jesus, I know that I am a Hell-deserving sinner. I believe that you are the Son of God, the Savior, who shed your blood to pay for my sins. I now believe upon You as my personal Savior, and ask you to please forgive me of all my sins.  Please save me and take me to Heaven when I die. Amen.

ou to please forgive me of all my sins.  Please save me and take me to Heaven when I die. Amen.

34 thoughts on “So you want to be a sinner?

  1. Tom Anderson says:

    Masturbation is an evolutionary trait that purges the body of weaker sperm, thus strengthening a man’s fertility. To go without masturbation is to risk unnecessary sex (biologically speaking – sex without the result of procreation). This is how God designed us – don’t let some ancient dudes from rural palestine tell you differently.

  2. jbeezo says:

    This was quite funny! But I got a question, if Jesus shed his blood to pay for my sins, why does it matter what I do? Unless his ultimate sacrifice wasn’t really anything special.

  3. Fellowsinner says:

    If all sins are equal in the eyes of God, isn’t masturbation just as bad as wearing polyester? The wages of any sin is death, but Christ died to cleanse us of our sins. Does masturbation just make you guys uncomfortable? Cause I think it’s great, heck of a lot better that eating shrimp, that’s for sure. So I’ll just keep jerkin’ it and ask for forgiveness and enjoy my life just a little more thanks 🙂

    • Masturbation is a massive sin. It kills every time you cum. You’re spilling your seed all over with NO intent of reproduction. That, my friend, is sin.

      • And more “seeds” are made after you spilled your “seeds”, its not like we have a limited amount of semen.

      • masturbation is a sin. Are you even listening?

      • Michael says:

        Oh RLy?!? It kills huh? Well, if we are going to get into death of cells being considered human, then dont you DARE itch your skin, you kill millions of “humans”. You murderer. Ought to throw your ass in jail.

        Your argument is so damn retarded sometimes. Considering a single cell a human life is nonsense. You can get infection if you do not release yourself every so often.

      • masturbation for the mere pursuit of pleasure is a hedonistic, misogynistic, sinful thing, and an affront to God. Now I understand thanks to comments on here that it may be done for medical reasons and that I understand. But if you masturbate just because you’re horny, you’re going to another place with plenty of horns….HELL.

  4. BillCosby says:

    I believe life begins at erection LOLOLOLOL
    Even when you have sex to have children, millions of sperm are released and thus millions of seeds are wasted. ONLY one sperm survives to fertilize the ovum. Thus, your contention that masturbation kills “seeds” is pointless. Even chimpanzees masturbate. “Sex frequently is perfectly fine within a married lifestyle.” You better be trying to have a child!!! don’t waste your seed!!! LOLOLOLOLOL
    Where in the NEW TESTAMENT does it say masturbation is a sin? There are a lot of ridiculous things in the old testament that are punishable by death. Such as you are allowed to stone your wife to death if you find out she is not a virgin on your wedding day. Do you advocate those ridiculous claims in the OLD TESTAMENT too? When you learn something about biology let us know.

    • Dear friend,

      Masturbation is a sin because A) It damages the sanctity of marriage, B) it leads to covetous and incestuous thoughts, and C) it leads to the wasteful practice of spilling one’s seed wherever one might like to.

      • BillCosby says:

        You’re ignoring the point I made from a quote from you. You’re ignoring the point I made about wasting “seeds.” Masturbation helps marriages do to sexual stress. I don’t think everyone who as ever masturbated was thinking about their family, so saying it leads to incestuous thoughts is an extreme generalization. Having sex without intent to have children is a wasteful practice of spilling one’s “seed,” but you refused to comment on the point I made based on my quote of you. I think the general consensus amongst sexual health professionals is that masturbation is one of the healthiest things one could do to relieve sexual frustration.

        Let me ask you. Are you obese or overweight? Gluttony is a sin you know.

  5. I am 5 pounds over my recommended BMI. I think i deserve to go to hell who’s with me!

    • BillCosby says:

      I’m with you! I have always wanted to use my imagination. How to do we wish to begin our imagination of hell. I like to think they have a sea of buffets and smoke shops with drugs all around! I think it’s a great place to vacation in my imagination.

  6. I had a friend when i was in college who got really sick at one point. This happened due to an infection in his testicles. This infection was actually caused by damage done to his penis during “foreplay”. He and his girlfriend were both virgins, and he was a devout christian, meaning that though he got aroused, he never ejaculated. During make out sessions, he would become extremely aroused, and instead of taking care of the problem, he would apparently squeeze his penis, and thus the damage was caused. The only solution that any one could offer him to this problem, after the infection was cleared up, was that, for his health, he needed to masturbate at least once a week. He was adamant that he only ever did it once a week, and he had a room mate (college dorm with bunkbeds) who swore that it was only once a week as well. But he was a much happier person after he started this routine.

    Not trying to argue anything, just thought it was a funny story.

  7. I wouldn’t of believed it had he not shown me the doctors report. Trust me, we laughed for months about it!

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