Boiled for your sins? A critique of the Flying Spaghetti Myth

Many new-agers have called for the teaching of the “pastafarian” Creation story along with the Biblical Creation narrative. In this post, I will explain why the “pastafarian” story is a complete myth, one which fails on all accounts when compared to Christianity.

1) “In the beginning, the flying spaghetti monster created a mountain, some trees, and a midget.”  Mathematical calculations with a God-Adam height factor directly show that Adam was approximately 6 feet tall, with Eve coming in at 5’2.  These weren’t midgets. Sure, Eve was a little short, but not a midget at all.  And the Garden of Eden wasn’t on a mountain. It was in a lush, heavily vegetated region.  And the Bible already tells us how life was created, and it wasn’t in the Bobby Henderson fashion.

2) “Jesus was touched too.”  The Flying Spaghetti Monster supposedly touches all people with its “noodly appendage,” or “penis.”  To imply that our Lord and savior Jesus Christ was touched by some Satanic Space Penis is heresy. Jesus was pure at all times, and was certainly not homosexual. The Flying Spaghetti Monster reportedly touches all people, even males, with its space penis. This is sodomy, a direct and distinct abomination.  And the book of the Flying Spaghetti Monster claims that midgets are touched most by the FSM because they are shortest. In actuality, midgets are shortest because they are held close to the ground by the immense weight of sin bearing down on their shoulders (see “The Satan Factor” on my blog). 

3) “a decrease in pirates leads to an increase in global warming” This is also hogwash.  The real cause of global warming is as follows.  First, the weight of sin increases on Earth’s surface. This, in turn, makes Earth’s crust thinner, moving Earth’s inner hot magma chambers, in which hell is housed, closer to the surface. This, in turn, makes Earth hotter. Simple as pie.  Pirates are sinners, and would only INCREASE the weight of sin on Earth’s surface, not decrease it.

4) “a beer volcano and stripper factory in heaven”  Think again.  If you really believe that this is what paradise looks like, then you are probably going to hell.

5) “the Flying Spaghetti Monster is made of spaghetti”  Anyone ever realize that spaghetti looks a lot like ramen, the weakest of pasta?  This shows that the FSM, if it exists, is an immensely weak deity.  I would take the One True God over a Flying Spaghetti Monster any day.  Our God is real.

Bobby Henderson, repent from your evil ways and turn to Jesus. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is a satanic creation, one which you must reject in order to get into heaven. Accept Jesus, and you will be saved. I will pray for you.

Your’s in Christ,


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